As an actor, get scripts and it’s my job to stay on script, to say my lines and to life a character that someone else wrote. Over course of my career, I’ve had the great honor playing some the greatest male role models ever represented on television. might recognize me as “Male Escort #1.”
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“Photographer Date Rapist,” “Shirtless Rapist” from the award-winning “Spring Break Shark Attack.”
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“Shirtless Student,” “Shirtless Steroid-Using Con Man” and, in my most well-known role, as Rafael.
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A brooding, reformed who falls for, of all things, a virgin, and is only occasionally shirtless.
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Now, these roles don’t represent the kind of man am in my real life, but that’s what I love about acting. I to live inside characters very different than myself. But every I got one of these roles, I was surprised, because most of men I play ooze machismo, charisma and power, and when I look in mirror, that’s just not how I see myself. But was how Hollywood saw me, and over time, I noticed a parallel between roles I would play as a man both on-screen and off.
I’ve been pretending to be man that I’m not my entire life. I’ve been pretending to be strong when I felt weak, confident I felt insecure and tough when really I was hurting. I think for the most part I’ve been kind of putting on a show, but I’m tired of performing. And can tell you right now that it is exhausting trying to man enough for everyone all the time. Now — right?
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My brother heard that.
Now, for long as I can remember, I’ve been told the of man that I should grow up to be. As a boy, all wanted was to be accepted and liked by the other boys, that acceptance meant I had to acquire this almost disgusted view of the feminine, and since were told that feminine is the opposite of masculine, I either had reject embodying any of these qualities or face rejection myself. This is the that we’ve been given. Right? Girls are weak, and are strong. This is what’s being subconsciously communicated to of millions of young boys and girls all over the world, like it was with me.
Well, I came here today say, as a man that this is wrong, this is toxic, and it to end.
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Now, I’m not here to give a lesson. We likely all know how we got here, OK? I’m just a guy that woke up after 30 years and realized that I was living in state of conflict, conflict with who I feel I am my core and conflict with who the world tells as a man I should be. But I don’t have a desire to fit into the broken definition of masculinity, because I don’t just want to be good man. I want to be a good human. And I believe the only that can happen is if men learn to not only embrace the qualities that we were are feminine in ourselves but to be willing to stand up, to and learn from the women who embody them.
Now, —
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I am not saying that everything we learned is toxic. OK? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you or me, and men, I’m not saying we have to being men. But we need balance, right? We need balance, and only way things will change is if we take a real honest look at the that have been passed down to us from generation to and the roles that, as men, we choose to take in our everyday lives.
So speaking of scripts, the first script I ever got from my dad. My dad is awesome. He’s loving, he’s kind, he’s sensitive, he’s nurturing, he’s here.
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He’s crying.
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But, sorry, Dad, a kid I resented him for it, because I him for making me soft, which wasn’t welcomed in the town in Oregon that we had moved to. Because being soft meant I was bullied. See, my dad wasn’t traditionally masculine, so he didn’t teach me to use my hands. He didn’t teach me how to hunt, how fight, you know, man stuff. Instead he taught me what knew: that being a man was about sacrifice and doing whatever you to take care of and provide for your family. But there was another role I how to play from my dad, who, I discovered, learned it from his dad, a state senator who in life had to work nights as a janitor to support his family, and he never a soul. That role was to suffer in secret. And now three later, I find myself playing that role, too. So couldn’t my grandfather just reach out to another man and ask help? Why does my dad to this day still he’s got to do it all on his own? know a man who would rather die than tell man that they’re hurting. But it’s not because we’re all, like, strong silent types. It’s not. A lot us men are really good at making friends, and talking, just not about anything real.
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If it’s work or sports or politics or women, we have no problem our opinions, but if it’s about our insecurities or our struggles, fear of failure, then it’s almost like we become paralyzed. least, I do.
So some of the ways that I have been practicing breaking of this behavior are by creating experiences that force me to be vulnerable. So if there’s I’m experiencing shame around in my life, I practice diving straight into it, matter how scary it is — and sometimes, even publicly. then in doing so I take away its power, my display of vulnerability can in some cases give other permission to do the same.
As an example, a little while ago was wrestling with an issue in my life that knew I needed to talk to my guy friends about, but I was so by fear that they would judge me and see me as and I would lose my standing as a leader that I knew I had take them out of town on a three-day guys —
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Just to open up. And guess what? It wasn’t the end of the third day that I finally found the strength to talk to about what I was going through. But when I did, amazing happened. I realized that I wasn’t alone, because guys had also been struggling. And as soon as found the strength and the courage to share my shame, it was gone. Now, I’ve learned over time that I want to practice vulnerability, then I need to build myself a system of accountability. So I’ve really blessed as an actor. I’ve built a really wonderful base, really, really sweet and engaged, and so I to use my social platform as kind of this Trojan horse I could create a daily practice of authenticity and vulnerability. response has been incredible. It’s been affirming, it’s been heartwarming. I get tons love and press and positive messages daily. But it’s from a certain demographic: women.
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This is real. Why are only women me? Where are the men?
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About a year ago, I this photo. Now, afterwards, I was scrolling through some of comments, and I noticed that one of my female fans tagged her boyfriend in the picture, and her boyfriend responded saying, “Please stop tagging me in gay shit. Thx.”
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As if being makes you less of a man, right?
So I took a deep breath, I responded. I said, very politely, that I was just curious, because I’m on an of masculinity, and I wanted to know why my love for my wife as gay shit. And then I said, honestly I just wanted to learn.
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Now, he wrote me back. I thought he was going to go off on me, instead he apologized. He told me how, growing up, displays of affection were looked down on. He told me that he was wrestling and with his ego, and how much he loved his girlfriend and how thankful was for her patience. And then a few weeks later, he messaged me again. This time he sent a photo of him on one knee proposing.
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And all he said was, “Thank you.”
I’ve this guy. I get it. See, publicly, he was playing his role, rejecting the feminine, right? But secretly he was for permission to express himself, to be seen, to be heard, and he needed was another man holding him accountable and creating a safe space for him to feel, and transformation was instant. I loved this experience, because it showed me that transformation is possible, even over messages. So I wanted to figure out how I could reach more men, but of course of them were following me.
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So I tried an experiment. started posting more stereotypically masculine things —
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Like my challenging workouts, my meal plans, my journey heal my body after an injury. And guess what happened? Men started to write me. And then, out of blue, for the first time in my entire career, a fitness magazine called me, and they said they wanted to honor me as of their game-changers.
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Was that really game-changing? Or is it just conforming? see, that’s the problem. It’s totally cool for men to follow me when I about guy stuff and I conform to gender norms. But if I about how much I love my wife or my daughter or my 10-day-old son, how believe that marriage is challenging but beautiful, or how a man I struggle with body dysmorphia, or if promote gender equality, then only the women show up. are the men? So men, men, men, men!
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I understand. Growing up, we tend to challenge other. We’ve got to be the toughest, the strongest, the bravest men we can be. And for many of us, myself included, our identities are wrapped up in whether or at the end of the day we feel like we’re man enough. But I’ve got challenge for all the guys, because men love challenges.
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I you to see if you can use the same qualities that you feel make you man to go deeper into yourself. Your strength, your bravery, toughness: Can we redefine what those mean and use them to explore our hearts? Are you brave to be vulnerable? To reach out to another man when you need help? To dive headfirst your shame? Are you strong enough to be sensitive, to whether you are hurting or you’re happy, even if it makes you weak? Are you confident enough to listen to the women in your life? To hear their ideas and solutions? To hold their anguish and actually believe them, even if what they’re saying is against you? And you be man enough to stand up to other men you hear “locker room talk,” when you hear stories sexual harassment? When you hear your boys talking about grabbing ass or getting her drunk, will actually stand up and do something so that one day don’t have to live in a world where a woman has risk everything and come forward to say the words “me too?”
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This serious stuff. I’ve had to take a real, honest look the ways that I’ve unconsciously been hurting the women my life, and it’s ugly. My wife told me I had been acting in a certain way that hurt and not correcting it. Basically, sometimes when she would go to speak, at home or public, I would just cut her off mid-sentence and her thought for her. It’s awful. The worst part was I was completely unaware when I was doing it. It unconscious. So here I am doing my part, trying to a feminist, amplifying the voices of women around the world, and at home, I am using my louder voice to silence the woman I love the most. So I to ask myself a tough question: am I man enough to just shut the up and listen?
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I’ve got to be honest. I wish that didn’t an applause.
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Guys, this is real. And I’m scratching the surface here, because the deeper we go, the it gets, I guarantee you. I don’t have time to get into porn and against women or the split of domestic duties or gender pay gap. But I believe that as men, it’s time we start to see past our privilege recognize that we are not just part of the problem. Fellas, are the problem. The glass ceiling exists because we it there, and if we want to be a part of the solution, then words are no enough.
There’s a quote that I love that I up with from the Bahá’í writings. It says that “the world humanity is possessed of two wings, the male and the female. So long as these wings are not equivalent in strength, the bird will not fly.”
So women, on behalf of men over the world who feel similar to me, please forgive us for all the ways that we have relied on your strength. And now I would like to you to formally help us, because we cannot do this alone. We are men. We’re going to up. We’re going to say the wrong thing. We’re going to be tone-deaf. We’re more likely, probably, going to offend you. But don’t lose hope. We’re here because of you, and like you, as men, we need to stand up and become your allies you fight against pretty much everything. We need your help celebrating our vulnerability and being patient with us as we this very, very long journey from our heads to our hearts. And finally to parents: instead of teaching children to be brave boys or pretty girls, can we maybe just them how to be good humans?
So back to my dad. up, yeah, like every boy, I had my fair share of issues, but now realize that it was even thanks to his sensitivity and emotional intelligence that I am able to stand right now talking to you in the first place. The I had for my dad I now realize had to do with him. It had everything to do me and my longing to be accepted and to a role that was never meant for me. So while my dad have not taught me how to use my hands, he did me how to use my heart, and to me that makes him more man than anything.
Thank you.