As actor, I get scripts and it’s my job to stay on script, say my lines and bring to life a character someone else wrote. Over the course of my career, I’ve the great honor playing some of the greatest male models ever represented on television. You might recognize me “Male Escort #1.”
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“Photographer Date Rapist,” “Shirtless Date Rapist” the award-winning “Spring Break Shark Attack.”
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“Shirtless Medical Student,” “Shirtless Steroid-Using Con Man” and, my most well-known role, as Rafael.
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A brooding, reformed playboy who falls for, of things, a virgin, and who is only occasionally shirtless.
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Now, roles don’t represent the kind of man I am in my real life, that’s what I love about acting. I get to live inside characters very than myself. But every time I got one of roles, I was surprised, because most of the men I ooze machismo, charisma and power, and when I look in the mirror, that’s not how I see myself. But it was how Hollywood saw me, over time, I noticed a parallel between the roles would play as a man both on-screen and off.
I’ve pretending to be a man that I’m not my entire life. I’ve been to be strong when I felt weak, confident when I felt insecure and tough really I was hurting. I think for the most part I’ve just kind of putting on a show, but I’m tired of performing. And I can tell you right that it is exhausting trying to be man enough everyone all the time. Now — right?
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My heard that.
Now, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been told kind of man that I should grow up to be. As a boy, all I wanted was to accepted and liked by the other boys, but that acceptance meant I had to this almost disgusted view of the feminine, and since we were told feminine is the opposite of masculine, I either had to reject embodying any these qualities or face rejection myself. This is the script that we’ve been given. Right? are weak, and boys are strong. This is what’s being subconsciously communicated hundreds of millions of young boys and girls all the world, just like it was with me.
Well, I came here today to say, as a that this is wrong, this is toxic, and it has to end.
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Now, I’m here to give a history lesson. We likely all know how got here, OK? But I’m just a guy that woke after 30 years and realized that I was living a state of conflict, conflict with who I feel am in my core and conflict with who the world tells me as a man I be. But I don’t have a desire to fit into current broken definition of masculinity, because I don’t just want to be a man. I want to be a good human. And I the only way that can happen is if men learn to not embrace the qualities that we were told are feminine in ourselves but to be willing to up, to champion and learn from the women who embody them.
Now, —
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I am not saying that everything we have learned is toxic. OK? I’m not there’s anything inherently wrong with you or me, and men, I’m not saying we have to stop men. But we need balance, right? We need balance, and the only way things will change is we take a real honest look at the scripts that have been passed down to from generation to generation and the roles that, as men, we choose to take on in our lives.
So speaking of scripts, the first script I ever came from my dad. My dad is awesome. He’s loving, he’s kind, he’s sensitive, he’s nurturing, he’s here.
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He’s crying.
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But, sorry, Dad, a kid I resented him for it, because I blamed him for me soft, which wasn’t welcomed in the small town Oregon that we had moved to. Because being soft that I was bullied. See, my dad wasn’t traditionally masculine, so he didn’t teach me how to my hands. He didn’t teach me how to hunt, how to fight, know, man stuff. Instead he taught me what he knew: that a man was about sacrifice and doing whatever you to take care of and provide for your family. there was another role I learned how to play my dad, who, I discovered, learned it from his dad, a senator who later in life had to work nights a janitor to support his family, and he never told soul. That role was to suffer in secret. And now three generations later, find myself playing that role, too. So why couldn’t my just reach out to another man and ask for help? Why does my dad to day still think he’s got to do it all on own? I know a man who would rather die than tell man that they’re hurting. But it’s not because we’re all, like, strong silent types. It’s not. A lot of men are really good at making friends, and talking, just about anything real.
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If it’s about work or sports politics or women, we have no problem sharing our opinions, but if it’s about insecurities or our struggles, our fear of failure, then it’s almost we become paralyzed. At least, I do.
So some of ways that I have been practicing breaking free of this behavior by creating experiences that force me to be vulnerable. So there’s something I’m experiencing shame around in my life, practice diving straight into it, no matter how scary it is — and sometimes, even publicly. Because in doing so I take away its power, and my display vulnerability can in some cases give other men permission do the same.
As an example, a little while ago I was wrestling with an issue in life that I knew I needed to talk to my friends about, but I was so paralyzed by fear that they would judge me and see as weak and I would lose my standing as a leader that knew I had to take them out of town on a three-day guys —
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Just to open up. And guess what? It wasn’t the end of the third day that I finally found strength to talk to them about what I was going through. But when I did, something amazing happened. realized that I wasn’t alone, because my guys had also been struggling. And soon as I found the strength and the courage to share my shame, was gone. Now, I’ve learned over time that if I want to practice vulnerability, then I need to myself a system of accountability. So I’ve been really blessed as an actor. I’ve built a wonderful fan base, really, really sweet and engaged, and I decided to use my social platform as kind of Trojan horse wherein I could create a daily practice of authenticity and vulnerability. The response been incredible. It’s been affirming, it’s been heartwarming. I get tons of love and and positive messages daily. But it’s all from a certain demographic: women.
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This is real. Why are women following me? Where are the men?
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About a ago, I posted this photo. Now, afterwards, I was scrolling through some of the comments, and noticed that one of my female fans had tagged boyfriend in the picture, and her boyfriend responded by saying, “Please tagging me in gay shit. Thx.”
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As if being gay makes less of a man, right?
So I took a deep breath, and I responded. said, very politely, that I was just curious, because I’m on exploration of masculinity, and I wanted to know why my for my wife qualified as gay shit. And then I said, honestly I just to learn.
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Now, he immediately wrote me back. I he was going to go off on me, but instead he apologized. He told me how, up, public displays of affection were looked down on. He told me that he was and struggling with his ego, and how much he loved his girlfriend how thankful he was for her patience. And then few weeks later, he messaged me again. This time he sent me a photo him on one knee proposing.
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And all he said was, “Thank you.”
I’ve this guy. I get it. See, publicly, he was just his role, rejecting the feminine, right? But secretly he was waiting for permission to himself, to be seen, to be heard, and all he needed was man holding him accountable and creating a safe space for him to feel, and the transformation instant. I loved this experience, because it showed me transformation is possible, even over direct messages. So I wanted to figure out how could reach more men, but of course none of them following me.
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So I tried an experiment. I started posting stereotypically masculine things —
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Like my challenging workouts, my meal plans, my to heal my body after an injury. And guess happened? Men started to write me. And then, out of the blue, the first time in my entire career, a male fitness magazine called me, and they said wanted to honor me as one of their game-changers.
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Was that really game-changing? is it just conforming? And see, that’s the problem. It’s totally for men to follow me when I talk about guy stuff and I conform to gender norms. if I talk about how much I love my wife my daughter or my 10-day-old son, how I believe that marriage is challenging beautiful, or how as a man I struggle with body dysmorphia, or if I promote equality, then only the women show up. Where are men? So men, men, men, men!
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I understand. Growing up, tend to challenge each other. We’ve got to be the toughest, the strongest, the bravest men that can be. And for many of us, myself included, identities are wrapped up in whether or not at the end of the day we feel like we’re enough. But I’ve got a challenge for all the guys, because love challenges.
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I challenge you to see if you use the same qualities that you feel make you a man to go deeper yourself. Your strength, your bravery, your toughness: Can we what those mean and use them to explore our hearts? Are you brave enough to be vulnerable? To reach to another man when you need help? To dive headfirst into your shame? Are strong enough to be sensitive, to cry whether you hurting or you’re happy, even if it makes you look weak? you confident enough to listen to the women in your life? hear their ideas and their solutions? To hold their anguish and believe them, even if what they’re saying is against you? And you be man enough to stand up to other when you hear “locker room talk,” when you hear stories of sexual harassment? you hear your boys talking about grabbing ass or her drunk, will you actually stand up and do so that one day we don’t have to live in a world where a woman has to risk and come forward to say the words “me too?”
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This is serious stuff. I’ve had to take real, honest look at the ways that I’ve unconsciously been hurting the women my life, and it’s ugly. My wife told me that I had been acting in a certain that hurt her and not correcting it. Basically, sometimes when she would go to speak, at or in public, I would just cut her off mid-sentence and her thought for her. It’s awful. The worst part that I was completely unaware when I was doing it. was unconscious. So here I am doing my part, trying to a feminist, amplifying the voices of women around the world, and at home, I am using my louder voice to silence the woman love the most. So I had to ask myself tough question: am I man enough to just shut the hell and listen?
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I’ve got to be honest. I wish that didn’t an applause.
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Guys, this is real. And I’m scratching the surface here, because the deeper we go, uglier it gets, I guarantee you. I don’t have time to get into porn violence against women or the split of domestic duties or the pay gap. But I believe that as men, it’s we start to see past our privilege and recognize we are not just part of the problem. Fellas, we are the problem. The glass ceiling because we put it there, and if we want to be a part of solution, then words are no longer enough.
There’s a quote that I love that grew up with from the Bahá’í writings. It says that “the world of humanity possessed of two wings, the male and the female. So long as these two wings are not equivalent strength, the bird will not fly.”
So women, on behalf of men all the world who feel similar to me, please forgive us for all the that we have not relied on your strength. And now I would to ask you to formally help us, because we cannot this alone. We are men. We’re going to mess up. We’re going say the wrong thing. We’re going to be tone-deaf. We’re more likely, probably, going to offend you. But don’t lose hope. We’re only here because you, and like you, as men, we need to stand up and become your allies you fight against pretty much everything. We need your help in celebrating vulnerability and being patient with us as we make this very, very journey from our heads to our hearts. And finally to parents: of teaching our children to be brave boys or pretty girls, can we maybe just teach how to be good humans?
So back to my dad. Growing up, yeah, like boy, I had my fair share of issues, but now realize that it was even thanks to his sensitivity and emotional intelligence that I am to stand here right now talking to you in first place. The resentment I had for my dad now realize had nothing to do with him. It everything to do with me and my longing to be accepted to play a role that was never meant for me. So while my dad have not taught me how to use my hands, did teach me how to use my heart, and to that makes him more a man than anything.
Thank you.