As an actor, get scripts and it’s my job to stay on script, to say my lines bring to life a character that someone else wrote. Over the of my career, I’ve had the great honor playing some of the greatest role models ever represented on television. You might recognize as “Male Escort #1.”
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“Photographer Date Rapist,” “Shirtless Rapist” from the award-winning “Spring Break Shark Attack.”
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“Shirtless Medical Student,” “Shirtless Steroid-Using Man” and, in my most well-known role, as Rafael.
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A brooding, playboy who falls for, of all things, a virgin, and who only occasionally shirtless.
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Now, these roles don’t represent the of man I am in my real life, but that’s I love about acting. I get to live inside characters very different myself. But every time I got one of these roles, I was surprised, because most of the men I ooze machismo, charisma and power, and when I look in the mirror, that’s just how I see myself. But it was how Hollywood me, and over time, I noticed a parallel between the roles would play as a man both on-screen and off.
I’ve pretending to be a man that I’m not my life. I’ve been pretending to be strong when I felt weak, when I felt insecure and tough when really I was hurting. think for the most part I’ve just been kind of putting a show, but I’m tired of performing. And I can tell you right that it is exhausting trying to be man enough for everyone all the time. — right?
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My brother heard that.
Now, for as long as can remember, I’ve been told the kind of man I should grow up to be. As a boy, all wanted was to be accepted and liked by the boys, but that acceptance meant I had to acquire this disgusted view of the feminine, and since we were told that feminine is the opposite of masculine, either had to reject embodying any of these qualities or rejection myself. This is the script that we’ve been given. Right? Girls are weak, boys are strong. This is what’s being subconsciously communicated to of millions of young boys and girls all over world, just like it was with me.
Well, I came here to say, as a man that this is wrong, this is toxic, and has to end.
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Now, I’m not here to give history lesson. We likely all know how we got here, OK? I’m just a guy that woke up after 30 years and realized I was living in a state of conflict, conflict who I feel I am in my core and with who the world tells me as a man I should be. But I don’t have a to fit into the current broken definition of masculinity, because I don’t just want to a good man. I want to be a good human. And I believe the only way that can is if men learn to not only embrace the qualities that we were are feminine in ourselves but to be willing to stand up, to champion learn from the women who embody them.
Now, men —
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I am not saying that we have learned is toxic. OK? I’m not saying there’s inherently wrong with you or me, and men, I’m saying we have to stop being men. But we need balance, right? We need balance, and the only way will change is if we take a real honest look at the scripts that have been down to us from generation to generation and the roles that, as men, choose to take on in our everyday lives.
So speaking of scripts, the first script ever got came from my dad. My dad is awesome. He’s loving, he’s kind, he’s sensitive, he’s nurturing, he’s here.
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He’s crying.
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But, sorry, Dad, as kid I resented him for it, because I blamed him for making me soft, which wasn’t welcomed in small town in Oregon that we had moved to. Because being meant that I was bullied. See, my dad wasn’t traditionally masculine, he didn’t teach me how to use my hands. He didn’t teach how to hunt, how to fight, you know, man stuff. Instead taught me what he knew: that being a man was about sacrifice doing whatever you can to take care of and provide for your family. But there another role I learned how to play from my dad, who, discovered, learned it from his dad, a state senator who later life had to work nights as a janitor to support his family, and never told a soul. That role was to suffer in secret. And now three generations later, I myself playing that role, too. So why couldn’t my grandfather just reach out to another and ask for help? Why does my dad to this day still think he’s got to do it on his own? I know a man who would rather than tell another man that they’re hurting. But it’s not because we’re just all, like, strong types. It’s not. A lot of us men are really good at making friends, talking, just not about anything real.
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If it’s about work or sports or politics or women, have no problem sharing our opinions, but if it’s about insecurities or our struggles, our fear of failure, then it’s almost we become paralyzed. At least, I do.
So some of the ways I have been practicing breaking free of this behavior are by creating experiences force me to be vulnerable. So if there’s something I’m shame around in my life, I practice diving straight into it, matter how scary it is — and sometimes, even publicly. Because then doing so I take away its power, and my of vulnerability can in some cases give other men permission to do the same.
As example, a little while ago I was wrestling with an issue in my life that knew I needed to talk to my guy friends about, but I was so paralyzed by fear that they judge me and see me as weak and I lose my standing as a leader that I knew I had to take them out of town on three-day guys trip —
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Just to open up. guess what? It wasn’t until the end of the day that I finally found the strength to talk to them about I was going through. But when I did, something happened. I realized that I wasn’t alone, because my guys also been struggling. And as soon as I found the strength and the to share my shame, it was gone. Now, I’ve over time that if I want to practice vulnerability, I need to build myself a system of accountability. So I’ve been really as an actor. I’ve built a really wonderful fan base, really, really sweet and engaged, and so I to use my social platform as kind of this Trojan horse I could create a daily practice of authenticity and vulnerability. The response has incredible. It’s been affirming, it’s been heartwarming. I get tons of love and and positive messages daily. But it’s all from a certain demographic: women.
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This is real. Why are only women following me? Where the men?
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About a year ago, I posted this photo. Now, afterwards, I was scrolling some of the comments, and I noticed that one of my female fans had her boyfriend in the picture, and her boyfriend responded saying, “Please stop tagging me in gay shit. Thx.”
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As if being gay makes less of a man, right?
So I took a breath, and I responded. I said, very politely, that was just curious, because I’m on an exploration of masculinity, I wanted to know why my love for my wife qualified as gay shit. And then said, honestly I just wanted to learn.
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Now, immediately wrote me back. I thought he was going go off on me, but instead he apologized. He told me how, growing up, public displays of affection looked down on. He told me that he was wrestling and struggling with his ego, and how he loved his girlfriend and how thankful he was for her patience. And then a few weeks later, messaged me again. This time he sent me a photo of on one knee proposing.
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And all he said was, “Thank you.”
I’ve been this guy. I it. See, publicly, he was just playing his role, rejecting the feminine, right? But he was waiting for permission to express himself, to be seen, to be heard, all he needed was another man holding him accountable and a safe space for him to feel, and the transformation instant. I loved this experience, because it showed me that transformation is possible, even over direct messages. I wanted to figure out how I could reach more men, but of course of them were following me.
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So I tried an experiment. started posting more stereotypically masculine things —
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Like my workouts, my meal plans, my journey to heal my after an injury. And guess what happened? Men started to write me. And then, out of blue, for the first time in my entire career, male fitness magazine called me, and they said they wanted to me as one of their game-changers.
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Was that really game-changing? Or is it conforming? And see, that’s the problem. It’s totally cool men to follow me when I talk about guy and I conform to gender norms. But if I talk about how much love my wife or my daughter or my 10-day-old son, how I believe that is challenging but beautiful, or how as a man I struggle with body dysmorphia, or I promote gender equality, then only the women show up. Where are the men? men, men, men, men!
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I understand. Growing up, we tend challenge each other. We’ve got to be the toughest, the strongest, the men that we can be. And for many of us, myself included, our identities wrapped up in whether or not at the end of day we feel like we’re man enough. But I’ve got a challenge for all the guys, because love challenges.
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I challenge you to see if can use the same qualities that you feel make you a man go deeper into yourself. Your strength, your bravery, your toughness: we redefine what those mean and use them to explore hearts? Are you brave enough to be vulnerable? To reach to another man when you need help? To dive headfirst into your shame? you strong enough to be sensitive, to cry whether are hurting or you’re happy, even if it makes look weak? Are you confident enough to listen to the women your life? To hear their ideas and their solutions? To their anguish and actually believe them, even if what they’re saying is against you? And will you man enough to stand up to other men when hear “locker room talk,” when you hear stories of harassment? When you hear your boys talking about grabbing ass or getting her drunk, will actually stand up and do something so that one day we don’t have to live in world where a woman has to risk everything and come forward to the words “me too?”
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This is serious stuff. I’ve to take a real, honest look at the ways that I’ve unconsciously been hurting the in my life, and it’s ugly. My wife told that I had been acting in a certain way that hurt her not correcting it. Basically, sometimes when she would go to speak, home or in public, I would just cut her off mid-sentence finish her thought for her. It’s awful. The worst part that I was completely unaware when I was doing it. was unconscious. So here I am doing my part, trying be a feminist, amplifying the voices of women around the world, yet at home, I am using my louder voice to silence woman I love the most. So I had to ask myself a tough question: am I man enough to shut the hell up and listen?
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I’ve got be honest. I wish that didn’t get an applause.
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Guys, is real. And I’m just scratching the surface here, the deeper we go, the uglier it gets, I you. I don’t have time to get into porn violence against women or the split of domestic duties or the gender gap. But I believe that as men, it’s time we start see past our privilege and recognize that we are not just part of the problem. Fellas, are the problem. The glass ceiling exists because we put it there, and if we to be a part of the solution, then words no longer enough.
There’s a quote that I love that grew up with from the Bahá’í writings. It says that “the world of humanity is of two wings, the male and the female. So as these two wings are not equivalent in strength, bird will not fly.”
So women, on behalf of men all the world who feel similar to me, please forgive us for all the ways we have not relied on your strength. And now I would like ask you to formally help us, because we cannot do this alone. We are men. We’re to mess up. We’re going to say the wrong thing. We’re going to be tone-deaf. We’re than likely, probably, going to offend you. But don’t lose hope. We’re only because of you, and like you, as men, we to stand up and become your allies as you fight against pretty everything. We need your help in celebrating our vulnerability and patient with us as we make this very, very long from our heads to our hearts. And finally to parents: instead teaching our children to be brave boys or pretty girls, can we maybe teach them how to be good humans?
So back to my dad. up, yeah, like every boy, I had my fair share of issues, but now I realize that it even thanks to his sensitivity and emotional intelligence that I am able to here right now talking to you in the first place. resentment I had for my dad I now realize nothing to do with him. It had everything to do me and my longing to be accepted and to a role that was never meant for me. So while dad may have not taught me how to use my hands, he teach me how to use my heart, and to me makes him more a man than anything.
Thank you.